The trappings of the middle-class

Imported from MySpace blog

My next house will have a doorbell and central air-conditioning. I will not be woken up to the tinny strains of such 1999 hits as Juvenile's "Back that Ass Up." If I leave my bedroom window open, neighbors' cigarette smoke will not come casually wafting in, along with the sounds of their persistant phlegmy coughs. I won't have the pleasure of listening to their semi-violent domestic squabbles interrupted by dog-barking, a low thud, then whimpering. I won't have to block out the sound of other neighbors shaking their babies, or screaming at their misbehaving toddlers. I won't have to use an mp3 player to drown out the monotonous whirring of NASCAR turned up loud enough to drown out the kids' constant shouting.

There will be no Armed Forces Recruitment Center in my new neighborhood. People will ride their bikes for environmental or fitness reasons, not because their drivers' licenses were revoked after that third DUI. Dental and personal hygiene will be priorities for my new neighbors. They will know and understand words like "ephemera," "reticent," and "eponymous." Barring that, they'll at least grasp "demagogue," "bourgeois" and "agnostic." They will never say "there is" when they mean "there are," and will have legible handwriting.

They will attempt to gain my friendship with subtly cutting sarcastic remarks* instead of loud comments on the quality of my figure or staring, open-mouthed, immobile and breathing heavily, as I dart from apartment to car door. Perhaps my new neighbors will bring over some welcome-to-the-neighborhood cookies, or, even better, quietly keep to themselves and leave me the hell alone.



* Note: Sublty cutting sarcastic remarks won't actually gain my friendship either. Instead, we'll likely give each other side hugs or air kisses at the kind of gatherings where everyone is getting side-hugged and air-kissed, and each call the other pretentious or fake behind each others' backs. That is a poor substitute for friendship indeed, so may I suggest simply being a nice person with no ulterior motives.