The boys have, without exception, seen the error of their ways, and are hoping to get back in touch. And by “error of their ways,” I mean “my boobies,” and by “getting back in touch,” they mean “with my boobies.” It's amazing what losing 10 pounds, gaining two cup sizes, getting contacts and learning to love tequila shots will do for a girl’s popularity.
I went from this:
To this*:
And now all the boys love me! There’s nothing like going from a chubby bespectacled über-nerd to a slender full-bosomed über-nerd to reinforce one’s complete and utter lack of faith in humanity. It’s like a real-life “She’s All That,” except instead of Freddie Prinze there’s just cynicism.
That’s not to say I haven’t enjoyed the attention from time to time. My favorite message came from a boy I don’t remember who honestly confessed to having had a crush on me back in the day, when I was ugly and wore stretch pants. Whether ‘twas a cover story or not, it surely gave me the warm fuzzies. My least favorite message came not from Facebook, but in person during one of those “ let’s reconnect over drinks but this isn’t a date OK?” things:
Him: “You’re hot now!”
Me: “Um, thanks.”
Him: “I mean, you used to be all, Sarah with the glasses. And now you’re all… Sarah with the hotness!”
Me: “OK then. I think I’ll go home and wash my hair.”
Him: “But I want to get you drunk!”
Me: “Sure you do, honey.”
What’s a girl to make of all this? Are there any lessons to be taken away other than “humans are hopelessly, incurably shallow and narcissistic”? Should I take advantage of the few years of attractiveness I have left before age sets in to turn the tables on these would-be suitors and be terribly cruel to them? Would they get the message? Or would they just mutter “bitch” under their breath and find some other girl to torment? Either way I doubt it'd make me feel any better.
*Please note: I am neither Lindsay Weir nor Lindsay Lohan, just in case you were confused. I didn’t feel like digging up pictures of me IRL. Plus, I’m not really that hot. But I assure you I was very very nerdy in high school. Please confirm in the comments, fellow members of the Nerd Herd.
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I can confirm all of the above statements are true. :) I might also be part of the confirmation depending on perspective :P
ReplyDeleteIn my book, nerdy is synonymous with sexy, and always has been. And, you are certainly much hotter than Lindsy Lohan. And nerdier, too. Keep being you, and enjoy the loser's come-ons with sadistic glee.
ReplyDeleteit's rad to diss dudes that dissed you
ReplyDeleteI didn't think you we're that nerdy. Granted we were members of the nerd herd...oh, well, anyway I didn't think you were "Welcome to the Dollhouse" nerdy, more "Freaks and Geeks" nerdy.
ReplyDeleteyeah.. I might remember you hanging out with us nerds but you were always very pretty to me.. Although I'd have to agree about the school we went to.. there were certainly a lot of narcissism and snobbery.. Luckily I get to see it all played out while I still live here.. Although I'm saddened to see how far some people will fall.
ReplyDeleteYou were never chubby Sarah! Nerdiness is pretty sweet anyway. ;) There's nothing like using liquid nitrogen to make ice cream, or burning your name into your gigantic nerdy calculator with a laser to make you feel content with your place in the universe. Embrace the nerd within! and then... build a giant death ray.
ReplyDeleteRozi.. you would be freaked out if some guy back from our high school sent an e-mail to your facebook account professing a deeply guarded crush that he'd had on you since 12th grade.. Although maybe that's where the giant death rays plays into all of this..
ReplyDelete@Rozi I think the chubbitude was more in middle school, but I still felt chubby in high school. And, I'm pretty sure I still have my engraved calculator somewhere! Too bad I forgot what the sin/cos buttons are for.
ReplyDelete@JoAnna Oh do tell! Who has fallen where? Actually, don't. Schaedenfreude is such an ugly emotion. Plus, most of the people who were mean to me in high school had pretty much shaped up and become much better people by the time graduation rolled around, so I'm not sure I could take a great deal of pleasure in anyone else's misery.
Yep, I had a crush on you when I met you and really liked your outgoing personality. I didn't have any clue back then that you were a "nerd"! That's awesome! I was at the top of my class in reading and math. I just really enjoyed school.
ReplyDeleteWhen we were young, I had a monster crush on you, but always figured you were totally out of my league, and would never go out with a loser like me.
ReplyDelete@Amber You're so right about the Freaks and Geeks. Lindsay Weir looks too normal, though. As soon as I find a picture of her looking sufficiently geeky, I will replace!
ReplyDelete@Josh Hey, I thought you were homeschooled! I was only outgoing because you never saw me out of my element.
@Kalvyn Righteous! I'll try to keep my sadism in check, but it's hard out here for a misanthropic pimp.
Oh and: @Kalvyn No way. Way? No way! Leagues are silly. Also: again, I knew you out of school. In the hierarchy of my school, probly would've been the opposite.
ReplyDelete*sigh* to be nerdy is to be blessed. That and you weren't chubby, AND you were and are very pretty.
ReplyDeleteawww.. I know that when I went to my 10th reunion a lot of people had changed.. Most for the better..
ReplyDelete@Dawn Being nerdy is way more fun nowadays because nerds are sorta in, what with people wearing glasses without prescriptions and being all emo. Then again, it kinda takes away one's street cred. And thank you! You are very kind. ^_^
ReplyDelete@JoAnna I can't decide if I should go or not. On the one hand, yay reunion! On the other hand, ack reunion!
@Ian If not a duly sworn member of the Nerd Herd, you are certainly an honorary member. If you'd like to pledge, however, let me know and we can arrange a few initiation rites.
ReplyDeleteSweet, I look forward to the 15 hours of bad anime.
ReplyDeleteAnime is for amateurs! We will be forcing you to build a chemical volcano with mashed potatoes, and then reach level 60 with a new WoW character in under 24 hours, without the aid of caffeinated beverages. Paddling to be dispensed at initator's discretion.
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ReplyDeleteBring it! :P
ReplyDeleteJust to be clear... (I honestly don't remember a whole lot before the age of about 20) ... was I one of the mean boys?
ReplyDeletethats so kool and true
ReplyDeleteNo points for you being Not Hot in high school... you were definitely Hot Hot. I missed my 10 year and was bummed about it, consider going at least twice and if it is still a "No" try a couple of more times.
ReplyDeleteI vote for torturing the boys. Maybe the drinking buddy mentioned above could go to a concert with you. Maybe it could be an Ani concert. Maybe you could pinch the girl in front of you and then vaporize (to eat popcorn an watch the fireworks from a discreet location :)
@Josh and Trinity: You two are awesome. Live the dream!
ReplyDelete@Daniel Naw. You ran with the bad boys, but you had a heart of gold. Plus, how bad can you really be when you're in Brain Bowl? For realsies.
@David Genius! The concert plan could work on so many, many levels.
As for the reunion, I kind of feel like IVHS should have a four- or five-year reunion. So many of my friends were in the grade below me or the grade above me, and won't be represented at this year's shindig.
I love this post with all my little Prairie heart! I totally agree with all you said, and I think another wonderful thing about facebook is to shamelessly taunt the assholes that used to treat us like shit. I'd like to see a conversation go like this:
ReplyDeleteA-hole boy: Hey, you're hot now!
Sarah: um, thanks...?
A-hole boy: want to meet for drinks?
Sarah: No, because while I was getting hot, you were getting un-hot.
A-hole boy: *reflects on irony*
I love that idea, but I don't know if I have the cojones to do it. But that's where the tequila shots come in to play!
ReplyDelete