Thanks to my arduous commute, my state of ignorant bliss is, alas, no more. So, in order to provide you all with the benefits of my Significant Life Experience, I give you, without further ado, my Top Six List o' Vehicles Driven by Assholes:
Mercedes Benz
A Mercedes is the ultimate entitled asshole mobile. Firstly, no one can figure out how to pluralize either "Mercedes" or "Benz," giving it that unpronounceable je'ne sais quoi beloved to elitist pigdoggies everywhere. Secondly, the totems to materialism that serve as hood ornaments exist for no other reason than to serve as reminders to normal people that we are like tiny, tiny ants just waiting to be squashed by the Mercedes' superior horsepower. Or whatever it is they have that's worth a sticker price of about $56,000 (which, according to my Very Scientific Calculations, could keep me in portobello mushroom paninis for about 15 years). The only exception to the rule is if it is a very, very old Mercedes. If it's rusted out, you can trust the driver. If it's been converted to biodiesel complete with prominently located bumper sticker, well that's a gray area.
BMW
The BMW is the jealous, bitter, aspirational younger yuppie sibling of the Mercedes. Again, the name causes problems in that no one knows what BMW stands for, except for some spurious sources that claim it stands for "Brute's Murder Weapon.*" The Beamer deviates from the Mercedes in that it doesn't matter how old the Beamer is, the driver will never be absolved of asshole status while barreling down the freeway in a car rumored to be built with the blood of Jews. (For realsies! Other cars too!)
Audi
The people who drive Audis are the same people who sign their e-mails with "Cheers," or worse, "Ciao."They're going for European mystique and/or sophistication, but all they get are repair bills so high they end up selling their Beamers to pay for them.
Saabs and Volvos
I want to like these cars. I really do. Saab buys ad space on public radio, and Volvo reminds me of hippies. I like public radio and hippies, therefore I should like Saab and Volvo, right? Wrong. These car brands are marketing to the wrong demographic, as people who drive them are without fail unable to use their turn signals or let populist cars change lanes.
And, last but not least, the humble Volkswagen:
You'd think VW would get a bye on accounta being responsible for a cute co-opted slogan like "fahrvergnugen" and making those adorable bugs and Scooby Doo vans. But you'd be wrong! Sure, patchouli-scented old-school VW owners do not pass the asshole test. But did you know that VW was invented by Hitler? Fo' sho'! Also, VW owns Audi, and makes Certifiable Asshole Cars like the Jetta. Unless you live in your VeeDub with your crime-fighting dog and mod posse, you fail.
*I make no claims to truthfulness, honesty or accuracy. I have performed absolutely no research for this article, and am not an expert on cars, assholes or Hitler. These are not the facts you're looking for. Or more accurately, these are not the facts for which you're looking.
A couple of useful tidbits: Not only are VW and Audi the same corporation, that company's third division is Porsche. Sort of like Ford/Lincoln/Mercury. And yes, most Porsche drivers are assholes too. Except James Dean. "BMW" stands for Bavarian Motor Werks. But the thing that really interests me is that you have almost unfailingly picked out German cars. Volvo & Saab are the exceptions, and they're Swedish, which is German-lite. There are cars made by other nations driven by assholes, but the reason you've picked out the German cars is that they are generally really well-made, which means that schmuckbags with too much $$$ buy them in droves, so there are many of them on the road. This is why you picked all Germans, I believe. Either that or you just really wanted to work that "blood of Jews" thing in there. But hey, not inaccurate.
ReplyDeleteI'm also saddened by Volvo's status as the car of assholes, but I don't dispute your claim.
ReplyDeleteBack when I was looking for a replacement to my first Subaru Legacy I informed my Dad I wanted a Volvo b/c they usually have the highest safety ratings. He told me not to buy a Volvo as only idiots drive them. Disgruntled, but dutiful to parental advice I didn't get a Volvo...THANK WHATEVER OMNISCIENT BEING YOU BELIEVE IN (or don't). After driving on the LA freeways I whole heartedly concur: Volvo owners are idiot drivers. Pity.
Instead I remained with the Subaru clan. All though I tow the line of assholeness as I drive a red car (dark red not primary red).
@Anonymous As much as I enjoy talking about the blood of the Jews, that's not why -- you're right in that they're well-made cars, and although I've no particular expertise on the engineering of internal combustion engines, I know the Beamers I've driven drive more smoothly and accelerate more quickly than certain other types. But people don't buy them in droves because they're autophiles. They buy them as status symbols, like Coach bags or Hermes scarves. In other words: Mmmm yummy Jew blood!
ReplyDelete@Amber Way to do actual research before picking out a car! Me, I just bought my friend's old car she had to sell to pay for maintenance on her Audi. :P Also: who's to say driving a Volvo would turn you into an idiot? You could be the one driver that turns their negative perception around!
I drive a '93 Volvo. That makes me an old asshole.
ReplyDeleteOK OK John and epalla, calm down. Perhaps the subtlety was lost on you, but this post is a ribbing of a certain brand of asshole. Anyone can make fun of a Hummer or an escalade, because the people who drive Hummers and escalades are just NOCD (not our class, dear). That's too easy, and frankly got old when I got over thinking that not buying stuff from Nike made me a revolutionary.
ReplyDeleteThe brand of asshole that I am making fun of is also the brand of asshole that drives a car for its brand, not its mechanical superiority.
And @Hattie, are you sure it's you that's the old asshole? It may be that your car is simply old.
Epalla - Because Saab and Volvo are like Canada. Wannabes.
ReplyDeleteIts mostly pick up trucks here. Not the ones that look worn and used for utility. Mostly the ones that look like their owners are compensating for something.
ReplyDeleteOne of my friends, every time he sees one of "those trucks," and the driver is within earshot, shouts: "Sorry about your penis!!"
ReplyDeleteIt's hilarious, the first five times. And still giggle-worthy every time after that. :P
Hoooboy! The pickup truck drivers in this neck of woods aren't even subtle about it - they frequently hang trucknutz from the trailer hitch.
ReplyDeleteI would be a-scared to yell "sorry about your penis!" at them on accounta all the gun-racks.
Full disclosure: I also drive a pick-up truck. But it is the size of a car, and has no balls.
Oh dear sweet jesus, the trucknuts. Once upon a time I lived in a place called Klamath Falls, and in that magical place I witnessed such subtle truck decor as "naked-Barbie-tied-to-front-grille-as-if-smashed-and-conquered-if-you-know-what-I-mean-wink-wink-nudge-nudge" and "stuffed-roadkill-as-hood-ornament."
ReplyDeleteI have trouble deciding which is worse: The trucknutz balls-out brand of assholery, or the subtle type of douchery ensconced in a gajillion-dollar tinted-window, leather interior cage of internally combusted money.
Most of those are cars taken out of context, so to say. German autobahns by default have no speed limit (though segments of it can be limited explicitly; about half of the network is limited in this way). Add in cities are just 10 megatons apart in Europe, and you get more energetic driving. This actually has the benefit of driving not getting monotonous; people stay alert; driving is, perhaps surprisingly, very safe.
ReplyDeleteIn their native Germany, Mercedesse (this should be the correct, albeit rarely used, German plural) have a fat cat image, while BMWs are more aggressive/sporty. Pretty much like you said. The funny bit is that Audi isn't well positioned, image-wise. They actually make pretty excellent cars that don't drive worse than BMWs (and they have a fair enough sports record with the Quattro, obviously), but when you approach on the fast lane in a Mercedes, people will melt out of your path on accounta entitled asshole (or crazy aggressive bastard in case of the BMW ("better make way")), while no one makes way for an Audi, because they still have this weird nerdy teacher middle class muesli image.
German "Fahrvergnuegen" is not just about speed, it's also about freedom. Passing this one guy even though you'll still wait by the next traffic light same as them, just in front of rather than behind them, isn't about the three seconds you gain -- it's about not letting the other guy impose his slow and erratic driving on you. This does not translate well to, say, LA, where it's much more important to have AC and good music while you're stuck in slow traffic on the 101. :) Even in LA I don't think any "true German" would look on a BMW with automatic gear as anything but an abomination though. :-D
So yeah, I guess these cars/that style of driving makes more sense in Europe.
Azundris - I like your explanation of how it's not about the three seconds, it's about wielding power over total strangers on the interstate (or the Audobahn!). I was listening to a This American Life the other day about an Israeli concept - I can't remember the word, but basically it means "chump," - and how there's an entire semi-hidden societal substructure around not letting other people make you a chump by any/all means necessary. The rub was that drivers are insane over there. I think we definitely have some of that going on here in the U.S., too. We all catch up with the asshole drivers at the next light, but they've made chumps of us, because they can -- they have the power.
ReplyDeleteAlso! How do you pronounce "Mercedesse"?
My top 3:
ReplyDeleteAny Mercedes
Honda Civic
Land Rover
Great site, but the German high-line cars don't belong at the top of the list. Plenty of decent people drive them. The cars that do belong at the top are the cars that ONLY an asshole would drive. Here is my list:
ReplyDelete1. Subara WRX STI. The noisy little cars with the embarrassingly idiotic spoilers driven by pouty 20 yo males who are always less than 5'4" tall.
2. Cadillac Escalade-no explanation needed.
3. Hummer-ditto
4. VW Jetta. Driven by people who know deep in their hearts that the car is under-powered, but they'll make up for it by tailgating.
Thanks, I like the site too. Yeah, I have a couple of very good friends that drive the fancy German cars and they're definitely not assholes. Really, 'twas quite the tongue-in-cheek post, not to be taken too seriously - but I do notice drivers of cars on this list tailgating and generally driving unsafely more often than, say, drivers of '95 Toyota Corollas.
ReplyDeleteThat said, you'll see that Jetta is on my list! There's a mildly amusing post over here about Jetta drivers. Hummers and Escalades definitely belong on the list, but oddly I rarely see them driving around - mostly just parked at fancy malls, near women in large sunglasses and velour track suits.
Anon here again... Went to the link, thanks for the chuckle. Just want to add that the asshole vehicle thing has a geographic component. I grew up in VT where, to this day, an Escalade will immediately identify the driver as having no taste or brains, and as a "flatlander". Now I live on Long Island where an Escalade or a big fat Lexus SUV will identify the driver as a success.
ReplyDelete