I learned this because a friend of mine sent a link to a most hilarious and awesome blog*, that defines the problem thusly:
Femme invisibility is a lesbian phenomenon in which a feminine-looking lesbian has difficulties in convincing the dyke world at large that she's gay, or being seen by other lesbians at all.Naming things is so cathartic, innit? The mere existence of the above definition makes me feel better and a titch less like a whiny little freak. Since it's Friday, howzabout a little Weekend Open Thread action? Here are some questions to get you started:
- Ever been alienated from your peer group because of the way you look or present yourself?
- Ever been alienated from the general public for same?
- Ever changed the way you dressed or looked in order to better "fit in" with a group?
* Link is NSFW. Also there is a very long intro before you get to the femme invisibility stuff, but it is so worth it to read the whole thing.
Yes! In the sixth form, I wore baggy pants and a flannel shirt everywhere to try to fit in with both the "bad" kids (baggy pants) and the "redneck" kids (flannel shirt). I only started getting along with both groups once I ditched the uniform and started wearing what I wanted. Go figure!
ReplyDeleteYes to Question 3. Most of my life I've followed a policy of seeking to appea as anonymous as possible. I think this is a holdover from my Dad, who was a Communist for many years; he strongly advised attending rallies and other public events wearing clothes that would give you enough time to evade the nightstick while the cop tried to figure out if you were one of the dirty Reds or just a bystander. I like to think that if I ever robbed a convenience store the witnesses would tell the cops "Well, he was a middle-aged white man, medium height, medium build, dark jacket, blue shirt, khakis, no visible tattoos or scars," etc. Right, that narrows it down a lot. More generally, I want to pick and choose the people I disclose my politics, my sexuality, my subcultural niche to; if I announce them by my appearance I surrender that ability to give or withhold personal information. I don't necessarily advise this practice, but the habit is fare too deeply ingrained to change it now.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteYes to Question 3. Most of my life I've tried to appear as anonymous as possible, probably following the example of my Communist Dad who thought you should dress for rallies and demonstrations in such a way as to give you time to dodge a blow while the cop was momentarily unsure if you were a dirty Red or a respectable bystander. Sort of by extension, I'd rather pick and choose who I disclose my politics/sexuality/subcultural niche to, rather than announce them by appearance-signifiers. I don't necessarily advise others to follow this practice but after a lifetime it's become a deeply ingrained habit.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was in sixth grade, I demanded that my parents teach me how to shave my legs, since my peers were teasing me. My mom refused ("patriarchy!" etc) so my dad sympathetically showed me by dabbing shaving cream on his calf and razoring off a patch of hair.
ReplyDeleteQUEER ROOT hello!
Steph – getting along with both bad and redneck kids was sort of destined for failure though, eh? Although, if you’re around my age, that look could’ve worked for the tail-end of the grunge movement too. Though I was a bit young for it, I also had flannel. I had no idea why, I just did because everyone else did.
ReplyDeleteJohn – There are definitely some serious advantages to “presenting” in a way that conforms with the status quo-iest of the status quos. Performing femininity, for ladies, performing masculinity, for the menfolks, performing upper-middle is probably something that needs a word/phrase too, and I bet there are a host of racial/religious presentations I’m not thinking of. Looking straight, for me, has gotten me out of some blatant harassment that went on at a previous workplace (though in a frying pan/fire kind of thing, directly into a different type of harassment). So I think your Pops was right to encourage confusing the coppers, among others. Safety first!
Deena – This EXACT SAME THING happened to me. Except for it was in the 5th that they began teasing me, my mom refused, but instead of asking my dad, I just snuck off with his razor and figured it out by reading Seventeen magazine. I learned way too many of the various postpubescent ladyskills from that rag, and Cosmo. /shudder
Looking straight
ReplyDeleteYes, and it is a look, too, as much a chosen presentation as any other. I think a lot of people think of their cohort as the "unmarked category;" everybody else is "presenting," they're just getting dressed for school or work. But they're wrong. When Stonewall happened I felt immediate empathy because being a Red Diaper baby in the 40's and 50's was a form of being closeted, and I already knew how stifling the air was in there.
Well this helps explain things a bit - I did not understand (after reading a previous post) how a femme could be ostracized, since that term/idea has been around for some time... I still don't quite get it - why would you claim gayness unless you were? So why would that be questioned, regardless of clothing choice? Why do other people feel the need to define your sexuality?
ReplyDeleteIn answer to this entry's question: when I moved from the Georgia Montessori school to the Monroe, LA public school, I experienced extreme shame of my clothing (this is 3rd grade we're talking). I wore cute little dresses sewn for me by my Grandma; I dont even know what era they were from (design-wise) but they had big floofy skirts and puffy sleeves, and honestly in retrospect they were just the most adorable things....but at the time, all the other kids were wearing jeans and t-shirts. As soon as I walked in the room, I felt everyone staring at me, and I would burst into tears, and the teacher had to take me out in the hall to calm me down.
Even so, I don't think I ever really achieved the ability to "fit in", despite my numerous attempts throughout grade school and beyond (the evidence is in the photos...). Although, people say it was fashionable to wear stirrup leggings and long shirts in that era...and as Sarah mentions - the flannel grunge look, which I adopted in high school, was apparently also "fashionable", although I also got called a "poser".
It wasn't until college that I finally became satisfied with my own unique ideas about what to wear, and was happy with "standing out."
Since then, my fashion has evolved according to my own taste, weight, and desires. I feel more stigma now for my weight than anything I wear. So consider yourself lucky if you only have to change your wardrobe rather than fight your genetic tendencies.
I just read an article about how society continues to undermine women, despite our (relatively) newfound career freedom, by severely objectifying our bodies - fatness being the ultimate stigma.
But of course everyone knows that only women who are capable of keeping their bodies in check are capable of anything beyond the most rudimentary tasks. If you cant keep yourself thin, you can't do anything, can you?
I recently learned that not wearing make-up was making people thinking of me as less professional. Sad face.
ReplyDeleteMy roommate sent me a link to this blog because she knows (probably because I complain about "femme invisibility" ALL THE TIME) how hard it has been for me to literally have to fight my way into the gay community/group/party/bar/class when you're a young lesbico of the feminine persuasion. Because no one believes you and no one takes you seriously. The visibility of the stereotypical "dyke" ignites the idea that all lesbicos are the same; I appreciate enormously hearing dialogue like this because it helps me feel less alone and helps bring to light the factionalism and prejudice within a community preaching acceptance. To sum it up with another quote from your "a most hilarious and awesome blog": We queers pay so much lip service to being inclusive that the stringent policing of rigid boundaries within the community always takes me by surprise.
ReplyDeleteJohn! I had a super-smart comment all written but blogger ate it. But now that it's gone, I wanted to derail a bit and tell all y'all I made some butter pecan ice cream with Bertha today. HOLY DELICIOUSNESS.
ReplyDeleteNow back to more serious matters. Yes, we all present. I am aware of my costumery. Makeup, heels, fluttery shirts? Gimme a break. But, like you said, distract the cops long enough to avoid the blow. And, seeing one's own group as unmarked is very much a symptom of privilege. For example, privileged men* look in the mirror and see "human." Women, whether privileged in other ways or not, look in the mirror and see "woman." Take away other layers of privilege and you get more adjectives added onto the mirror description.
... and now, thanks to Wikipedia, I know what a red diaper baby is!
Nanifay, as a person who knew you in college I can say that you finally being comfortable standing out was the best thing you ever did, sartorially-speaking. You had the awesomest style of anyone I ever knew! You are entirely responsible for me loving hats and coats as much as I do. :) And your Grandma's dresses do sound adorable.
ReplyDeleteFor the benefit of the others in this thread, I will describe to you the cool stuff Nani had in her closet (don't know what's there now, so can't speak to that):
- Fuzzy hats of all varieties
- Poofy silver quilted floor-length winter coat
- Trippy patterned shirts
- Glitter! I seem to recall body glitter. But maybe that was me?
On another note, when I wore stirruped leggings in middle school, somehow no one though they were cool or fashionable. Not even me. Maybe I should try them again?
Weight. There could be a whole post about women and weight. Or a series. I am sure that there is a term for that ("fat-shaming" is one, but the perception that heavy women are incompetent, but not heavy men, has got to have its own phrase). The ability of women to hold jobs, etc., is great, but our progress is not nearly as far as the general populace seems to think it is. ("Who needs feminism anymore?! Now women can have jobs, and babies, and take care of the house, and LOOK GREAT DOING IT!!! Those feminists are just jelly 'cuz they're fat/ugly/lesbians. Pfft, all they need is a good deep dickin'/rapin'.") Yeeeah right.
Kate - Yeah, it's amazing how much more work womenfolk are supposed to put into "looking professional" than men. They have to shower, get dressed, mmmmayyybbbee shave, comb hair. We have to shower, get dressed (making sure not to show too much or too little skin), plaster our faces with makeup, and "do" our hair (which typically involves washing/conditioning, often colouring, a blow dryer, product and sometimes another form of heat styling - "messy" hair isn't professional either!) Oh yeah, and we better make sure we don't ever gain a few pounds, or our salaries will plummet along with others' perception of our competence. It goes back to Nanifay's point of people perceiving women who don't conform to appearance standards as incapable of handling simple tasks.
ReplyDeleteHere are some depressing stories I found with Google:
Overweight women earn less, overweight men earn more (via Jezebel)
For women, it pays to be very thin
[The-major-was-a-lady]! Isn't the internet grand? If it weren't for the internet, I swear half of us would stumble through life truly believing we were the only person in the world facing X, Y or Z random annoyance/problem/what-have-you. Which is to say: I am very very glad that this post made you feel a bit better about life. ^_^ Every time I think about taking down the ol' bloggie after a barrage of love letters ("STFU feminist whoreface, Imma kill you thru teh intertoobz!"), comments like yours change my mind.
ReplyDeleteAnd Nanifay, does [the-lady-was-a-major]'s comment help you understand a little? It's kinda like... any culture, whether it's a subculture or a dominant one, has its own rules of conformity, and if you don't conform to them, you get ostracized sometimes. Even if it's a community that preaches acceptance, even if whatever you are presenting as has been around for a long time.
YES!
ReplyDeleteSince I don't scream holy-shit-butch-dyke-who-basically-looks-like-a-guy, and most people don't get that gender is a spectrum, I'm seen by many of my basically-progressive coworkers and bosses as someone who just doesn't bother to wear makeup, wear "nice" clothes, "do" my long scraggly hair, etc.
Same with body language and social skills. People miss that I also do the typically-queer thing of using language and examples that are especially sensitive to gender, race, religion, etc, and they just pick out that I'm "rude" because I don't succumb to female socialization and will point things out outright, call people on their bullshit, suggest that we get back on topic, etc. (Part of this is just outright sexism, because guys can of course do all these things and they're just good leaders, but I've also found that it's more acceptable from women who everyone is reading as unmistakably butch, while me being assertive is just rude.)
As a femme bisexual woman - thanks for this. It *does* help just to name something.
ReplyDeleteeeka: Kinda like it's OK for short/petite women to have powerful voices or assertive personalities - cuz, awww, they're so cute and widdle they can't actually be intimidating! Grrr.
ReplyDeletebutterfly: indeed. And being bi brings up a whole other host of acceptance issues. Being ostracized by the mainstream AND the not-mainstream is no fun at all.